Problems in cohabitation are common. For example, you want to save more money for the future, but your spouse wants both of you to enjoy life more and have more fun. You think your spouse treats his or her children very harshly, but your spouse thinks you take them too lightly. Couples often argue over such issues and often find solutions to these differences. At least when they talk about their problems, they get a better understanding of their spouse’s expectations; But many couples shy away from arguing over one of the most controversial issues, sexuality. In this article, we want to examine the reason why couples dodge this issue. Stay with us.
Numerous studies have shown that couples who talk easily about sex are more satisfied with their emotional relationship. However, most people prefer to put up with their sexual problems rather than talk about it. Why are so many people afraid of talking about sex with their spouse? Recently, Canadian researcher Uzma Rehman and colleagues have been researching this topic.
It is always difficult to talk about issues on which there is disagreement; Because we tend to avoid negative emotions. In such cases, the mood becomes irritated and the emotions become hurtful. Just as we avoid going to the dentist despite having a toothache, we do not like to talk about sensitive issues with our spouse; But if we remain silent in these cases, one day our bowl of patience will overflow and explode.
Talking is good for the strength of your marriage; Especially when the focus remains on the issue and does not lead to insults, but even couples who are skilled at resolving other conflicts are less likely to talk about sexual problems in the relationship.
Instead of talking about our preferences and asking our spouse about his or her preferences, we behave in a way that is instilled in us in our culture. Even though we want to move away from normal routines, we keep our fantasy world to ourselves. It is not without reason that after years of marriage, our sex life declines.
Three Reasons Couples Avoid Talking About Sex
Previous research has shown that couples often avoid talking about sex for three reasons:
- Feeling threatened for a relationship: People are afraid that discussing issues on which they disagree will damage the relationship. In other words, they value it even when they are not happy with it. Therefore, they prefer silence to a discussion that can improve the relationship and at the same time may break it.
- Feeling of danger for the spouse: People are afraid that discussing the issue will hurt their spouse’s feelings. In fact, even when they are not happy with their relationship with their spouse, they think about his or her feelings and happiness. Here, too, they prefer to remain silent so that their spouse is not upset, even if it is an opportunity to improve their relationship.
- Feeling threatened: People are afraid that the discussion of their differences will make them fragile. They are afraid that if they reveal too much information about themselves, their spouse will reject them or make them feel ashamed. We need our spouse’s approval, and the fear of losing him or her is the main reason for avoiding talking about sensitive issues.
In this study, Rahman and his colleagues asked people to imagine themselves in a different situation in which they were committed to their relationship. These situations were either about a common problem such as sharing household chores or a situation related to sexual problems such as the frequency of intercourse. Participants were then asked to answer a questionnaire that measured their sense of danger to the relationship, their spouse, and themselves.
On the one hand, the results showed that differences about sex are similar to differences in normal issues in which all three types of feelings of danger are present. On the other hand, in sexual discussions, the feeling of danger about oneself was more than other types of feeling of danger.
In summary, the study found that the main reason people avoid talking to their spouse about sexual problems is because they see it as a risk to themselves. Based on the responses of the participants in this study and other studies, we can find out the reasons why couples do not like to talk about sexual problems.
Why do couples avoid talking about sexual problems?
First, in many cultures, sex is a shameful subject; As a result, we often avoid talking about it or turning it into a joke to get rid of the shame of sex. Even in healthy relationships, we tend to think of sex as a mischievous act that should not be talked about.
Second, in many cultures, there is no proper sex education. Many people have no information about their sexual anatomy and that of their spouse. Although we have cultural patterns about how to have sex, there are few people who know about sex well. So, we do not have a proper understanding of our needs and sexuality, nor a proper vocabulary to talk about it.
Due to embarrassment and lack of knowledge about sex, we can not share our hidden fantasies with our partner. In addition, these needs seem to come from the most hidden parts of our being and we feel we have no control over them. We think that if we reveal our hidden fantasies, our spouse will blame and reject us. For this reason, we prefer to keep them to ourselves.
at the end
Disagreements are common in cohabitation, and sexual issues are one of the most difficult issues to resolve. Of course, you have to remember that having a difference or problem in life does not mean the end of it or the failure of the relationship. If couples can talk about their problems easily, they will actually strengthen their lives and strengthen the foundations of their love. People who dare to talk about sensitive issues are happier living together; But learning to overcome sexual embarrassment and finding the right words to talk about is not easy. A family psychologist can also help.