No one’s relationship with his or her parents or spouse is perfect. If you are lucky, most of the time you have a good relationship with your parents. Unfortunately, people with toxic parents do not have the chance to have such a relationship. No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with people who are emotionally challenged. In this article, we want to know the symptoms of toxic parents. Stay with us.
Toxic parents | Symptoms of toxic parents | Acceptance of toxic parents | Some important points about toxic parents
The term toxic parent is a bit vague, and each of us probably has a different definition for it. Often, complacent parents with mental disorders, abusive, emotionally immature, and addicted to alcohol or drugs are identified as toxic parents.
Children, even those with toxic parents, think that all parents are alike. Because they have no basis for comparison, they think that other families, like their own, are governed by inefficient laws and that all parents are cruel, inaccessible, or out of control; But they eventually find that emotionally healthy parents pay attention to their children’s feelings and encourage them to pursue their dreams, apologize for their mistakes, and speak respectfully about problems. This is where they realize their parents are different.
Toxic parents cause a lot of pain and mental problems for their children. The good news is that the negative effects of toxic parents can be overcome. The first step in this direction is to recognize the symptoms of toxic parents and to become familiar with their emotional problems and the reasons for their inefficiency.
Symptoms of toxic parents
The following are the symptoms of toxic parents:
1. Toxic parents are self-centered and have little room for empathy: They always prioritize their own needs and do not consider the feelings and needs of others. They do not think about how their behavior affects others and can hardly understand the feelings of others.
۲. They are rude: They can not respect you in the slightest and be polite and kind.
3. They are emotionally responsive: Toxic parents often cannot control their emotions. They are unpredictable and make everything too big.
4. The controllers are: They want to tell you what to do, when and how to do it.
5. Are angry: They are violent and aggressive or have a passive aggression and harass you with subversive sarcasm, deliberate forgetting of issues, or coercion.
6. The problem is: No matter what you do, a poisonous parent will never be satisfied with you. They find fault with everything.
7. They are cunning: By changing the reality, they try to make themselves look good. They use feelings of guilt, denial, and insignificance to achieve their desires.
8. The culprits are: They do not accept responsibility for their behavior and plan in the inefficiency of the family and put all the blame on you.
9. Expect: They expect you to give up all your work and only take care of their needs. They do not care about you, your plans and needs; Only they care and you have to do everything you can to save them.
10. Disgraceful are: Behave inappropriately; For example, they tell inappropriate jokes, get into physical arguments, make jokes, and generally behave in a way that makes you feel ashamed to introduce them as your parents.
۱۱. They are ruthless: Toxic parents do things and say things that are extremely cruel. They make fun of you, call you by inappropriate names, point out your weaknesses, and deliberately raise issues that you are sensitive to.
۱۲. They do not respect privacy: They interfere in your personal affairs and do not accept that you are an adult and completely independent. They want to know about your personal issues, they do not respect your privacy, they open your emails, they come to your house without invitations, they advise you without asking them, and they intervene in your children’s upbringing.
13. Involve you: Toxic parents have unhealthy trust in you. They share a lot of personal information (such as the secrets and problems of their married life) with you and expect you to be the most important source of emotional support for them.
۱۴. They are always competing with you: Not only do they always want to be right, but they act as if they are your rivals; So instead of being happy about your success, they try to downplay it or ignore you.
۱۵. You feel bad when you spend time with them, talk to them or think about them: The last sign of toxic parents is related to how you feel about them, not what they are doing. When you see your poisoned parents, you feel bad. You are afraid to talk to them and even thinking about them will make your body contract and your heart will be upset. You may remember your bad memories again. Their negative energy hurts everything you do. If you grew up with toxic parents, you probably weren’t encouraged to have your own feelings and you probably didn’t notice them; So be sure to pay attention to your feelings and see if your parents arouse anger, sadness, guilt or other negative feelings in you.
Awareness leads to acceptance
If you have poisoned parents, remember that you are not guilty. As much as they want to blame you, you are not to blame for their behavior. Understanding that your parents have serious problems and that it is impossible to change them opens the door to acceptance, and when you accept people as they are, you free yourself from changing them. You can only be upset that you do not have a good relationship with your parents.
Accepting this point plays an important role in achieving peace; But still having toxic parents is anxious and difficult, and you need strategies for accepting dysfunctional parents. Here are some tips that can help you in this regard.
Stay away from toxic parents
Emotional distance is meant here, not distance or physical proximity. This means not reacting, not taking matters into your own hands, and not taking responsibility for the needs, wants, and feelings of others. One of the symptoms of toxic parents is that they can easily provoke you; Because they know exactly your weaknesses. Even if you are physically away from them, you may still not be able to easily separate yourself emotionally from them and be forced to react to their behaviors.
Sometimes some people leave the family altogether because of this or because of the resentments they have had since childhood. Distancing is useful in any toxic relationship; However, as we said above, this physical separation may not solve the problems from the ground up. In such cases, consulting a psychoanalyst can be helpful. You can consult a psychologist and practice what you have learned in psychotherapy sessions each time you visit your parents.
Be decisive and set boundaries for them
Sometimes when you live with toxic parents, you can hardly behave in a healthy way. You learn to respect privacy in the family. Determining boundaries can be difficult for your parents. Maybe you have a mother who calls you every day or a sibling who is addicted or always takes money from you. If you set new rules for yourself, they will certainly resist. You may not be able to articulate these rules with them, and you may have to distance yourself from your family to understand them; In any case, you must be firm in setting these rules and following them, and do not fall short easily.
Some important points about toxic parents
Reforming begins with your relationship and your behavior and feelings. Sometimes the only thing you can do is work on yourself. This does not mean that your parents will change; But you can change. The solution is sometimes forgiveness and sometimes dialogue. There are a few important things to keep in mind when dealing with toxic parents:
1. Your parents do not have to reform to make you feel better;
۲. They will not be corrected by physical separation from your parents;
3. You are not like your parents;
4. You are not the annoying things your parents accuse you of;
5. You do not have to love your parents;
6. Your parents’ addiction or abuse may provoke you. Set boundaries for them and practice distancing yourself from them;
7. You can not change or save your family members;
8. The opposite of love is indifference, not hatred or anger;
9. Hating another person interferes with loving yourself;
10. Unresolved anger or resentment hurts you.
If you have not been able to solve your problem with your toxic parents with the tips we mentioned in this article, be sure to consult a psychologist. The effects of toxic parents remain with you for many years, affecting your personal, emotional, social, and even relationship life with your children; So do not underestimate your emotions and focus on correcting and improving them.