The fire of love that never cools; A relationship that is always sweet and never challenging; To live with love with the same feeling of initial enthusiasm for the rest of your life; An ideal and romantic image of a perfect relationship! But to what extent do these mentalities correspond to reality? Most perfectionists fall into the trap of such perceptions of the relationship, and when they do not, they become frustrated and ruin their relationship. In this article, we will talk about the signs of perfectionism in emotional relationships and ways to deal with it.
6 signs of perfectionism that ruin your relationship
Perfectionism manifests itself in a variety of ways and behaviors. Here are six behaviors that indicate your partner’s perfectionism.
1. Excessive and unrealistic expectations
A complete relationship is made up of 3 mindsets:
- The mentality that the perfectionist has of himself;
- The mentality he has in mind of his partner;
- The mentality he has drawn in his mind of his relationship with another.
When the perfectionist does not find his unrealistic expectations in his emotional partner, he begins to blame the other party. This rebuke is accompanied by grumbling and accusing and slandering the other party. Also, a person may not have been able to find a partner and justify it by saying: I have not found the right person for me! Is no one really suitable for him or is it his excessive and perfectionist expectations that do not allow him to enter into a lasting relationship?
Both of these conditions ultimately lead to the helplessness and despair of the perfectionist and ruin the relationship.
۲. Argument is considered a sign of relationship failure
The perfectionist hates argument and sees it as a sign of relationship failure. “If this person was right for me, we should not be so divided on different issues,” he thinks. However, the fact is that each person has a different and unique personality, interests and attitudes towards a subject, and it is natural that there is a difference of opinion between the two parties.
3. Misunderstanding of the concept of love in a relationship
Honeymoon is one of the best days of a relationship for any couple. Everything looks beautiful and perfect. However, this period is not stable. The perfectionist is often misunderstood and thinks that he is always going to have a honeymoon relationship. This mistake is due to the fact that the perfectionist does not have a proper understanding of love.
With the passing of the honeymoon, true love is a shared commitment and understanding that makes a relationship last; But the perfectionist remains in the fiery love of the early days and expects the relationship to continue as it did in his early days. Obviously, such a thing is not possible.
4. Common interests fallacy
There is no doubt that we should look for someone who is like us; But can we find someone who is exactly like us? The perfectionist, in search of a perfect relationship, mistakenly thinks that all the attitudes, interests, and tastes of the other party must be in line with him. This misconception goes back in part to the myths of romantic love. In the real world, it is impossible to find two people who are exactly alike.
5. He went between two feelings of fear and relief
The life of a perfectionist often oscillates between these two senses; Fluctuations that involve those around him. The perfectionist spends most of his time in horrific depictions of failure. And when his mental imagery does not come true, he feels temporarily relieved that he has escaped death instead of celebrating victory.
As a result of this fluctuation, the perfectionist often refuses to express his or her feelings for fear of failure and, therefore, takes the opportunity to build a deep and intimate relationship with himself or herself and his or her emotional partner.
6. Constant competition with yourself and others
The perfectionist always feels in competition. This situation has worsened with modern life; As the research of two researchers in 2017 showed, perfectionism is increasing due to the emphasis on materialism and individualism, especially among young people. Social networks and unrealistic images on them have also contributed to this situation. In such an environment, the perfectionist is more likely to expose himself to competition; Competitions that result in nothing but wasted energy and physical and mental analysis.
What are the strategies to deal with perfectionism in relation?
Fortunately, perfectionism is curable. With the help of various treatment methods and techniques, provided by counselors and psychologists, perfectionism can be moderated and its destructive effects on the relationship can be reduced. In the following, we will briefly introduce these methods:
1. Instead of trying to recover, they wallow in their sadness and thus, experience more failure
There is no perfect relationship. More perfectionism seeks to satisfy our selfishness by creating a perfect relationship. However, efforts to improve the relationship are often associated with concepts such as self-sacrifice and commitment. With this account, instead of finding the perfect relationship, seek to improve the relationship.
۲. Watch out for the range of social media
Social media is one of the most dangerous tools in the fire of perfectionism. They evoke a sense of comparison and uncertainty in us.
3. Get help from others
One of the consequences that most perfectionists suffer from is depression and isolation after enduring failure. The perfectionist is so sad and ashamed of his failure that he hides himself from the eyes of others. This is wrong behavior. In such a situation, it is better to go to our friends and loved ones to remind them that we are still good, enough and lovable.
4. Learn to fail
Fear of failure is worse than failure. One of the best ways to deal with perfectionism and its fears is to fail. If you are a perfectionist, sometimes you even deliberately put yourself in situations that you are afraid of. You will no doubt find that many of your fears are only in your mind.
5. Leave things to others
Let your partner do some things on his own. You do not have to do everything yourself, because you feel wrong that your work is complete. Trust others and deal with them if someone else does not live up to your expectations or quality.
6. Love yourself
The traits that you consider to be a weakness or a flaw may be the ones for which someone loves you. You are a lovable human being, no matter what you look like. You do not have to be perfect to love or be loved.
7. Revise your goals
Take another look at the goals you have set for your life and relationship and analyze them from a new angle; For example, do you study to always get a perfect grade or do you study to learn and grow?
8. Celebrate small successes
To combat perfectionism, you must learn to value small achievements. You may be anxious to be in public, but at least you were present and did not hide. You may have hurt someone unintentionally, but instead you have the courage to take responsibility and apologize. Features and actions seem small. If you want to admire just one big success or event, it probably will never happen.
Perfectionism is a trap; A trap that catches us and always keeps us unhappy. For a happy life and a satisfying relationship, we must accept ourselves and others as they are and try to gradually grow and become better (not necessarily the most perfect) instead of building a perfect relationship from the beginning.