Intimacy and emotional dependence between couples is necessary to have a healthy relationship and raise children. This feeling helps you to see yourself and your spouse as one. However, when this attachment becomes extreme, it hurts you, your spouse, and your relationship. In this article, we want to see the reason for the strong emotional attachment to the spouse and how to get rid of it.
Usually when it comes to strong emotional attachment to a husband, many of us probably think this problem only exists in women; But first of all, we must point out that strong emotional attachment to one’s spouse is not gender-specific, and that men can be as abnormally attached to their spouse as women. This is especially true after the birth of a child: Men feel that all of their spouse’s attention is focused on the child and they may feel abandoned.
What do the researches say?
Research on emotional dependence in adults has shown that spouses should be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and fully satisfy each other emotionally. This is what makes their relationship healthy, safe and happy. It is very important to make sure that the person who is important to us always has us, even when he does not agree with us. In addition, his concern for our opinions and beliefs, even when he disagrees with them, increases our self-confidence and self-esteem.
Emotional support or emotional attachment?
But when we replace the word emotional attachment with emotional support, everything changes. Why? This is because when it comes to dependency, it means we do not value ourselves equally and there should always be someone important in our lives who constantly reminds us that we are good, important and valuable enough to deserve his love.
In such cases, when we are worried about our spouse’s emotional affirmation or commitment, we are more concerned with our doubts, especially our doubts, than with our relationship. When we do not feel secure enough in a relationship, love for our spouse subconsciously becomes fear. We are constantly worried that our spouse will leave us, betray us or reject us. The more we worry about it, the more we become dependent on him, and the more our relationship eventually deteriorates.
Extravagance is one of the consequences of emotional attachment to one’s spouse
In such a situation, the more our spouse loves us and has our air, the more we want from him. This is because if we could not experience the unconditional acceptance of our parents as children, we would not be able to easily accept our spouse’s honesty and love. Of course, we may feel strong and comfortable in the moment, but until we can somehow rely on the confidence they give us, we will accept it from within and make it part of the improved image we have of ourselves, trying to Gaining our trust will not work. Their soothing words will soon be erased from our consciousness; Then we may want to hear those words more and more, like a cup of coffee with a hole in it: no matter how much we fill it, it empties very quickly.
When emotional attachment leads to embarrassment for the other party
A person who is in great emotional need completely embarrasses his or her spouse with repeated requests to ensure that he or she is loved. He expects you to spend all your free time with him, but he is still not satisfied; Because it can not eliminate the emptiness of self-esteem within him. This behavior not only makes his wife tired of him, but also makes him doubt himself and his ability to satisfy his wife’s needs; Because he feels he can not meet the emotional needs of his partner.
This feeling of weakness in satisfying the wife’s feelings goes so far that she no longer wants to try to keep her husband satisfied and only prefers to give up; Of course, after loving behaviors turn into anger or resentment, the relationship will be seriously jeopardized. There may still be love, but this love will no longer be enough to continue the relationship.
Where is the root of emotional attachment to a spouse?
The problem is that when we subconsciously need our spouse to help us get rid of past worries, we cannot allow him or her to be himself or herself and behave as he or she likes. These emotional insecurities are more about our past than about our current relationship, when our parents could not teach us how to feel safe without being dependent on them.
However, it should be noted that it is not the parents’ fault that they have not been able to provide the approval and encouragement that their children needed. Even if a parent does not know exactly what is really good for their child, or if he does not know their feelings well or if he can not give his children everything that he himself was deprived of as a child, he will certainly do his best to raise his children and wants them. To be watered by his love and support. So it makes no sense at all to blame parents for not being able to emotionally water their children and make them feel confident.
What is the solution? How to overcome dependence on a spouse?
1. Healing the child within
Childhood trauma, no matter how serious, is treatable. Of course, an expert must help in this way; But ultimately, it’s up to us to treat these injuries well; Because if we were injured as a child, now as an adult we have to treat the child who is still living inside us; Our spouse, no matter how much we love and are close to him, does not have access to the child within us. So, it’s our duty to reassure that unstable, nervous and hesitant child independently.
So, whenever old doubts come to you, you need to recognize them and see which part of the child they come from.
Do you remember a time when the person you gave more power to gave you a sense of incompetence? What did that person tell you or do? Most importantly, what was your interpretation of his treatment?
Now is the time for your adult self to teach your inner child (who is still unstable) how to interpret past events; Because now that you are older and wiser than you used to be, you can understand things better. A psychotherapist can help you in the same way; That is, from the method of recognizing the motives of you and others in the past with a precise and meticulous view.
For example, did your parents have high and unrealistic expectations of you? After all, it was your first emotional relationship and your first attachment to them; For this reason, you have assumed that everything they expected from you was normal and reasonable, and you have come to the conclusion that it was your fault that you failed to meet their expectations. If you want to be happy in life, you have to accept yourself as you are and accept your inner and outer weaknesses and strengths. This kind of loving is a healthy love for oneself and is different from narcissism. This is how all healthy people should love themselves.
۲. Honesty and communication with yourself
Another way to deal with an unhealthy relationship with your partner is to be honest and to communicate; But in this particular case, the intense emotional attachment, the person you need to be honest with is yourself, not your spouse. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it will be for you to articulate your needs. What do you expect from your spouse that does not meet? When you express these needs, you realize more and more that they are logical or irrational.
Dr. Dara Bushman, a clinical psychologist, believes that marriage, which is associated with strong emotional attachment, often results in the loss of “sense and purpose”; That means you have to maintain your individuality and be careful not to lose it during a strong emotional attachment.
Also, maintaining individuality helps you to sink deeper into emotional attachment. One way to maintain individuality is to set physical boundaries. To do this, you should try to continue your activities, friendships and hobbies before marriage. This will help you reduce some of the expectations you have of your spouse and rely on other resources to meet your needs. When you are no longer dependent on your spouse, you can remove the burden of stress and stress from your relationship and experience a beautiful and healthy relationship.
The last word
Love and emotional attachment are normal in emotional relationships and marriages, but we must not allow them to go beyond the ordinary and become extremely dependent. As we said in this article, this dependency can damage your relationship with your spouse and make it difficult for your children to grow up and be happy. Since this dependence is very much related to the child within you, counseling with a psychotherapist will be very helpful; Because you may not be able to identify and treat your childhood wounds alone.
Do you also feel strongly dependent on your spouse? How has this feeling affected your relationship with your spouse and children? What methods have you used to deal with it? By sharing your valuable feedback, you can help other friends cope better.