It has happened to all of us that we have noticed the domineering behavior of the other person in a work or emotional relationship and even in a short interaction with a stranger. These behaviors, which occur in a variety of ways, harm us and call into question our personality independence. What can we do to identify and deal with such people, who are called controlling personalities, in a timely manner? In this article we will talk about this issue.
Who is the controlling character?
People with this personality trait have a strong desire to control all the events and flow of their lives. They try to control all their events and interactions as much as possible. However, since we humans are social beings, it is impossible for this group of people to try to take over all the affairs of life; Because some of the events in our lives occur in interaction with others, that is, they depend on the actions or reactions of others. On the other hand, sometimes things happen that are beyond our control or the control of a person with a controlling personality.
In general, everyone likes to be in control of at least some of the events that take place in their lives. The problem begins when a person becomes overly sensitive to controlling life events; In a way that hurts yourself or others.
The reason for creating a controller character
Psychologists have identified various reasons as the origins of this feature, such as:
- Anxiety disorder;
- Personality disorders (such as borderline or narcissistic personality).
In fact, the behavior of the controlling personality is one of the consequences or signs of these disorders; For example, a person suffering from anxiety disorders does not trust others and likes to always do things himself. He is always anxious and as a result, he tries to reduce his anxiety by taking matters into his own hands.
Signs and characteristics of the controller personality
Researchers have identified several symptoms of this behavior. Some of these symptoms are obvious and some are hidden and are not easy to detect at first glance. Here are 12 important personal controller signs:
1. They put the blame on you or others
One of the most important characteristics of a controlling personality is their irresponsibility and blaming them. You are blamed for small things in which you have no role. They talk as if you are the main cause of the problem or the culprit. These people usually do not apologize.
۲. You are constantly criticized
The controlling personality constantly criticizes or ridicules you and tries to undermine your self-confidence. He or she may do the following to you in the following ways:
- Your ridicule in the eyes of others;
- Exaggeration about your small mistakes at work;
- Not appreciating you for doing the right thing;
- Irrational anger when you do not answer his call;
- Continuous criticism of the way you speak, behave or dress.
3. They are trying to quarantine you
One way these people exercise control is by wanting to prevent you from visiting friends or family. By criticizing or grumbling, they try to dissuade you from meeting friends or family, or at least make you feel bad. Sometimes you are not told this; But their body language indicates their dissatisfaction.
4. They expect their kindness to be repaid
Controlling characters always want you to not forget their kindness and be sure to compensate. They hold account of all the favors and affections they have bestowed upon you. Sometimes these people try too hard to keep you under control.
5. They make you doubt yourself
When you object to a person with this trait, he or she accuses you of being overly sensitive and claims that it is all made up in your mind. If you tell him, for example, that you are offended by something he said last week, he may act as if he never said it.
6. They destroy your relationship with others
The controlling personality may try to destroy your relationship with others; For example, send pictures of your private messages to others without permission. Also, these people try to get your attention again by changing the subject and getting angry about fake subjects when you achieve important success.
7. You are threatened
Someone with a strong controlling personality may threaten or intimidate you in certain situations; For example, a co-worker may constantly interrupt you to express his or her opinion, or a manager who treats you top-down with other co-workers.
Being capricious is one of the hallmarks of a controller personality. One moment you see them complimenting you and buying you a gift, and the next moment you see them angry. If you are in a relationship with such people, you will gradually become confused and do not know what they think of you.
9. A negative answer is not acceptable to them
People with this personality refuse to accept a negative answer. They try to either convince you or pressure you to change your mind in their favor; For example, if you say you can not or do not want to see them this weekend, they may suddenly turn green in your home.
10. They are jealous
They are always looking for your attention and do not like to share it with anyone. Therefore, they try to distance you from others in various ways, such as:
- Gossiping about you or your friends;
- Interrogating you about who you are interacting with;
- Murmuring and sourness every time you go out with someone.
۱۱. They are looking to change you
These people try to change you in the way they like. They may throw away your clothes they do not like or they will not go out with you until they dress the way they want.
۱۲. They may behave abusively
Sometimes the controller may insult you when you are angry. The occurrence of such behavior, along with the other factors mentioned above, may be a sign of a controlling personality that manifests itself in the form of verbal or behavioral violence.
How to deal with the controlling personality?
If you encounter a person who exhibits a variety of controlling personality traits in an emotional or work relationship, be honest with yourself and think about whether these behaviors have hurt you. Ask yourself: Has the other person’s behavior taken away my freedom and authority? Do I feel trapped and constantly worried? Do I feel threatened?
If your answer to these questions is yes, then you are in a relationship with the controller. You need to think about treating the other party or leaving the relationship. To counteract the behaviors of such a character, consider the following suggestions:
1. Defend your borders
Most people with a controlling personality go to those who have a victim mentality and a lack of self-confidence; Because these people have difficulty in defining the boundaries of their relationship. You need to be sensitive to red lines and privacy to deal with controlling personality behaviors. Sometimes defining or redefining these lines solves the problem.
۲. Avoid arguing with them
Your attempt to win a fight with a controlling character is often in vain. Such people always consider themselves righteous and have become masters in justifying themselves. Fighting with them has no effect, it will make the situation worse. When faced with such a situation, just state your opinion firmly; But do not seek to prove it.
3. Keep calm
Sometimes controllers walk on your nerves to make you nervous and take advantage of this. Your anger in the face of such characters makes them better in control of you. Try not to get out of the oven.
4. Get help
You should seek help from a counselor or psychotherapist if the controlling personality behaviors have reached a point where your work or emotional relationship is in jeopardy. If the other person is your emotional partner, you can go to a counselor for treatment of the controlling personality, and if one of your colleagues, you can discuss the matter with higher authorities.
5. Leave the relationship
Sometimes the other person, despite all your efforts to solve the problem, does not give up his wrong behaviors. In this situation, the best thing to do is to leave him and end the relationship. By doing this, you have done yourself a favor.
Freedom and agency are two important human traits that enhance self-esteem. No emotional, work or friendship relationship should make you feel inferior. Remember, no matter what the attitude of the controller, you are not to blame and you should not blame yourself for the other person’s personality traits.